First Blog

I've been thinking of doing something like this for a while now....so here goes. First I've been feeling sorry about some things as I look back on my school year. The year is ending and I've realized that I don't know my class mates as much as I should. I've been through 3 years with a couple of people yet I don't know them at all. I can think of a number of reasons, but none of them are really valid. The biggest reason I can give is that I have kids and can't get out as much, which is only partly true. When I first got them, it was true because they couldn't have unsupervised visits with their mom. Now they visit a few hours after school and 1 weekend a month, so I can get out for a few hours in the evening for coffee or even a movie if it's early enough. The other reason, I've discovered this semester, is that I didn't want people to look at me differently. Although that's a bit difficult to do as I do stand out in a crowd.....skin colour. I've been shy and had some guilt over my past. I realize that there's not a whole lot of people at school who come from the same kind of background: alcoholism in the family, step-dads, physical abuse..hmmm a lot of beatings!!! I've had a couple of serious relationships that I couldn't hold together, kids in both. So I guess I was worried about how they would look at me each time I shared something of my life. Sorry people, forgive my low self-esteem. I'm working on rebuilding my life. You see people...behind this smiley face there's been a huge battle going on. I'm winning the battles, albeit slowly, but it's coming.