death and taxes

I'm sitting here thinking about one of the sure things in life...no it's not taxes, it's the other sure thing..death. Not about my own death, but about the death of a couple of others. This morning as I was sitting at a red light on my way to school, I received a text message telling me that an aunt had died last night. It was quite a shock to hear of her death. Although it was sad news there are so many happy memories of her. She kept up a tradition all her adult life that was taught to her by my grand-mother, and I'm sure by my great-grandmother as well. It was a tradition of hospitality...something that's not practiced by a lot of people back home nowadays. A person could always be sure that he/she would be fed well when they went to visit Auntie Ellie. As soon as you walked in the door she would offer you either tea or coffee and sit you at the table and feed you something. Come to think of it all my aunties and a couple of my uncles on my dad's side have carried on this tradition. Sadly on my mom's side there are only 2 aunties and 1 uncle that are like this. My auntie Ellie was always laughing about something and had many funny stories to tell. Some were traditional Native teachings that had a point, others were just funny stories to make you laugh. Funny thing about aunt Ellie...I think if she had a choice on what day to die...it probably would've been on halloween.

Time To Really Live??

I'm sitting here wondering what I should write about....in some ways there's been a lot that has gone on in my life since last blog, but at the same time not much. I had my kids from Manitoba visiting me since the last week in June. It was great having them here...but..I didn't get to spend as much time as I would've liked to with them. I find that I'm somewhat of a workaholic...always busy with work or some project outside of work. My ex was also here for about 3 weeks...it was a good visit...except, as she pointed out, that I was always busy doing something even on my days off. I took a week off work and had a very hard time relaxing...managed to get in about 2 days of doing nothing. My ex mentioned that during those 2 days she saw flashes of the Darren that she married...carefree, happy just to be playing with my kids, not on the phone all the time, not worried about having to make money somehow. My ex did quite a bit of changing my house around while she was here...my place hadn't been this clean in a long time. She organized every room in the place differently...I love the way it is now. Weird...I really liked having her here...my house felt full again...I even allowed myself to wonder if we could ever work things out again. She sent me a couple of emails that kind of threw me for a loop...in the first she mentioned how happy she was being here and how she enjoyed it when we would sit and talk...she also said she missed me and was glad our divorce didn't go through, she was happy she still had my last name. It's really strange because she's never said that before. In the second she said she was going home not only for her cousin's funeral, but also because she felt I wasn't spending enough time with my kids...so she took them home with her instead of letting them stay a couple more weeks. She said she will always be my friend, but that she sees that the Darren she knew and married is gone now. It made me sad to think that she is probably right...I'm not the same Darren she fell in love with. I did something last Wednesday after they left..for the first time in a very long time I cried over my actions that caused my marriage to break down. I'd apologized to my ex when she was here...I can never change what happened and the end result, though I really wish I could. I wonder where I would be now if my marriage was still intact. Having my ex here made realize a couple of things...how much I've missed her and really deep down I still love her. Then I got to thinking...is it her I miss or is it that I miss having someone to come home to everyday? We were married and had kids together..so there will always be some connection between us...is that what I felt when she was here? Maybe God felt it was time I dealt with this...sort out my feelings...maybe actually start feeling again instead of just moving through life..feel real emotion instead of just going through the motions..

So Confused

I'm sitting here on this fine... no great... Monday evening. I've been in a battle within myself the last couple of weeks. I'm taking a 12 week course for survivors of abuse and the last 2 weeks have been really tough emotionally. I've had to relive some things that have been long buried..relive the pain again....even the memories hurt. I suddenly had a strange view of things last week...is it wrong? That's something I'm wrestling with since then...you see I've realized I've been trying to make some sense of this since I was a kid and still don't have an answer to it all. The odd thing is last week I realized I have a love/hate relationship with God...I love Him, but at the same time hate him(?)...now I'm not sure if I hate Him or hate that he allowed me to go through all that abuse as a kid...after all He is all powerful and could've prevented it, but He didn't. I've reached a point where right now I don't want to go back for the rest of this course...don't want to go to church...don't want anything to do with God....I'm also debating whether to go finish my Bachelor of Theology degree or not, I've got about a year left...maybe I will...spent this much time on it already...but then again what would be the point??

Heaven is Rejoicing!!

My kids have been really surprising me of late. They have been having conversations with each other, and me, about things that I never expected kids their age to be having. They are presently 6, 5, and 3. The conversation that has stuck in my mind the most because of its importance and what followed was last sunday night. I had picked them up from their mom's place and we were heading home...Robert (my youngest) started talking about Jesus; he understands that we can go to the sky (Heaven) and see Jesus, he asked when Jesus is going to come down and see the people. Now you can't really explain about the rapture in too much detail to a 3 yr. old..so i just said that Jesus will come someday, we just don't know when. My other 2 then started about Jesus, Heaven, and who will go to Heaven. I told them that not everyone will go to Heaven, only good people and they have to have Jesus in their heart. They wanted to know where bad people go..so I explained that bad people who don't have Jesusin their heart go to a place called hell. They wanted to know what hell was so I had to think fast about how I could explain that in a way they would understand it. I settled on telling them it was like a jail that if someone got sent there, they wouldn't get out ever again. Well they decided they wanted to be good people with Jesus in their hearts and wanted to know how they could do that. I told them they had to pray and ask Jesus to come into their hearts...they wanted to do that when we got home so I said we could. So when we went to bed I asked if they were sure they wanted to pray and they did...I explained what they had to do and led them thru a prayer of confession and they asked Jesus into their hearts. Since sunday they've wanted to pray before meals and at bed time....their diligence in prayer has made me realize just how much my prayer life has slacked off as of late....Thank-you God for reminding me.

Funny Things About My Kids

I've forgotten how much my kids watch what I do, hear what I say when I think they don't and copy what I do. They've said some things lately that I know I've said...and things someone else has said. A funny one about my youngest, Robert. On Monday I'd stopped in at canadian tire after picking up the kids from their mom's. I got what I needed and we went home. The kids played outside while I started working on the car. While I was doing this, Robert decided he wanted to play in the car so he asked me if he could. I figured "why not" so I told him to go ahead...as he was going to open the driver's door I heard him say, "I'm dad." Anyways...away he goes, pretending to go for a ride..talking every so often...then I hear him stop and say, "I'll have a large double- double." On tuesday morning my older boy and my girl were having a conversation about the weather. Tyler said, "The rain is going to be here forever." Alexis replied, "No the rain won't be here forever, but it will be here for a long time." Tyler, "The sun won't shine ever again." Alexis, "Yes the sun will shine again, just not for a long time." As they headed out the door Tyler said, "Someone should talk to God about the rain." They walked to the car without saying anything else, but when they got too the car Alexis said, "Yeah someone should talk to God, but I'm not going to..you can." I had to chuckle at their talk...so cute.

Death of a Friend

I spent a few hours with my brother this evening after work. We had supper and watched tv. During the course of our conversations he mentioned that a very good friend of ours had died on Monday morning after a couragous 2 year battle with cancer. We talked about all the good times we had working with Donnie Mak; some of his nicknames he had were "Mak Daddy" "Big Smak" "The General" He didn't want a funeral, said he didn't want to be a bother to anyone. One of my former co-workers is going to work on arranging a memorial....we never ever thought he was a bother to any of us and alot of people want some way to say good-bye. He was a very good man who will be greatly missed by alot of people. Donnie taught me alot when I first started working security at the casino, I couldn't have asked for a better person to train me. I sit here with a sad heart, yet have nothing but happy memories of Donnie Mak. Good-bye Donnie...I'll really miss seeing you.

A Moment I wish I Could Have Back

I've had a moment this morning that I'm thankful doesn't happen very often. I can blame it on being tired after working for almost 13 hours yesterday. Although there was nothing I wanted more than to sleep in this morning..it didn't happen. I'm not going to blame it on work and being tired, those aren't excuses for my feelings this morning. So anyways we have a daily routine that we follow faithfully for the most part; I get up, get breakfast ready, get kids up, they eat, I give them their clean clothes to put on after they eat, brush teeth, comb hair and away we go for the day. Now my daughter is really hard to wake up in the mornings, has been since school started in September. This morning was no exception, she was the last one up. She came down, ate and got her lunch ready...she is getting to be independent in most things. She usually gets her own lunch ready, picks her own clothes to wear, combs her own hair. So I tell her to change her clothes when she's done eating and I go get clothes for the boys. I combed the boy's hair, sent them to get their boots and sweater and told my girl to do the same thing. I was pretty much ready to go and went to get my shoes on...there's my girl just sitting there, she's ready but still in the same dirty clothes. Well I tell her to change her clothes because we have to get going. She changes, heads to the car and we start to go...I look at her and she has no socks. I stop the car, yell at her to listen when I tell her to do something, and come and get her a pair of socks. I'm sitting here writing feeling bad because of the look she had on the drive to school and when she got out of the car. Gone was the bright little smile she always seems to have, she didn't even say good-bye and wave as she usually does....she just walked away with her head down. I drove away to take the boys to daycare...had a flashback to my childhood...remembered all the times I would leave for school looking just the way my daughter did today, for being yelled at for something by my mom or step-dad. I always said I would never treat my kids the way I was treated as a kid...today I failed. I've had a moment in time I wish I could take back. I've only been a single parent for 18 months...I give a GREAT GREAT BIG hand to all the single parents out there who've done it longer than that!!! Life as a sinlge parent isn't easy...

Roadtrip To Winnipeg

Well people I just got back a few hours ago from a roadtrip to Winnipeg, MB. Actually it was a conference in Steinbach that I went to, but we slept in Winnipeg. Anyways...I've been looking forward to this trip for a few weeks as it's been about 10 years since I was last in Winnipeg. Wow it has changed a lot!! We stayed at a place called "Teen Challenge" which is located in the downtown area. There is alot about downtown that has changed since I was there last...more construction as they expand walkways, the old Eatons building is now the "MTS Place" which is a hockey arena where the Manitoba Moose play. Driving out to the perimeter seemed to take a long time...the city sure has grown!! The conference was held on a person's farm, he has converted his barn into a conference centre. I never thought the inside of a barn could look so beautiful...the whole loft area has wall-to-wall carpet, hardwood panelling all around, 2 ceiling fans with lights, several lights along the wall...just beautiful!! All this without the smell of animals lingering in the air. I admire the owner for putting to good use a building that would otherwise just sit there empty. It also makes me realize how much I miss living in the country...the green grass, trees all around, fresh air, wide open spaces. His place is only a couple of KM"s out of town, which is something I like...far enough out of town to have room to roam, but close enough to whip in to 7-11 or Tim's...LOL. This trip was a great bonding time with 4 of the guys from my church. We had a great time getting to know each other alot better than we do now. We had some free time Saturday evening and went and played pool, then went for supper at Montana's. One of the guys is an American, only been here 2 months, and we had a blast teasing him about different things. He did tell us the restaruant is called, "Montana's not Manitoba's." We tried to get him to wear the Moose hat that they get people to wear on their birthday when they go there, but we couldn't talk him into it....so I did. My friend has a pic he's going to send me of me in the Moose hat. This post seems to be getting long...so I'll write more on this later. Enjoy folks!!

Blown away on a windy day

I had a really interesting experience today. It shocked me, got me a bit upset and really got me thinking that I really am too nice a guy to people. Here's what happened; a friend asked me a couple of weeks ago to help him move, said he would pay me $50. Well I did help him move, myself and 4 others. We didn't get paid that day, at least I didn't and I didn't see him pay the others at that time. He asked me that day if we could meet the following Wednesday (today), so I said sure. I figured as much as I needed the money then, I could wait a few extra days for it. Well the day arrived and he asked me to meet him at McD's at 1 pm. I was helping another friend with some driving so I was trying very hard not to be late, which I wasn't. I guess I can thank him for buying me lunch. Anyways we sat down and ate, made small talk then went and sat outside. If you recall it was very windy today. As we got seated he started talking about his thinking on my help with the move; should he really pay me the $50? Now he knows I'm in a situation where I'm not working very many hours at work right now...so every bit of money helps. Well he decided that my time helping him move was one friend doing another friend a favour and he wasn't going to pay me the $50. I WAS SHOCKED!!! I am surprised the wind didn't knock me off my seat. Needless to say whatever else he said kind of went in 1 ear and out the other. I sort of remember him asking me to help him this summer with some mission teams coming to Regina from Korea and Vancouver. So do I help him out, being the nice guy I am??

Always right...Never wrong?!?!

What happens when people drive you crazy? How do you react? I've been thinking of that lately...why? Because I've been watching that happen to a friend and it brought back some memories. Everyone deals with things differently. For me...I'm the type of guy who can let things slide for quite awhile, then it has to be dealt with. I usually talk things over calmly...but sometimes that didn't always work and I can (now) admit that I've blown up. So when I saw this situation happening I started thinking...how can I help? Well I sat back and waited..after all who likes it when someone pokes his nose onto your business. Sure enough a call came, can I say out of the blue, not really. I just wondered how long it would take for him to reach out. I don't want to knock anyone so l'll just stick to this part of his relationship with his girldriend. Now I'm hoping it isn't like this with every girl out there....at least not all the ones I've met so far. So she thinks she's always right in everything, never wrong. I suppose it's been going on awhile, but he's such a nice guy he hasn't said anything about it before. Anyways...everytime they've had an argument she just doesn't let things drop until he says he's sorry. She then asks him if he's seen that he's wrong, which he admits to only to get her off his back. And she has broken up with him after some arguments....which she was going to do this time again. So my advice...Tell again exactly how he feels about the relationship, and wish her well in her hunting for another guy. Give it time, another thing I told him. Well I got another call saying she had called a few days later..apologised to him, admitted she was wrong and was just being selfish. I wished him well in his relationship and don't expect to see, or hear from him, for awhile as she also doesn't like it when he hangs out with the boys....but that's something for another time.

First Blog

I've been thinking of doing something like this for a while now....so here goes. First I've been feeling sorry about some things as I look back on my school year. The year is ending and I've realized that I don't know my class mates as much as I should. I've been through 3 years with a couple of people yet I don't know them at all. I can think of a number of reasons, but none of them are really valid. The biggest reason I can give is that I have kids and can't get out as much, which is only partly true. When I first got them, it was true because they couldn't have unsupervised visits with their mom. Now they visit a few hours after school and 1 weekend a month, so I can get out for a few hours in the evening for coffee or even a movie if it's early enough. The other reason, I've discovered this semester, is that I didn't want people to look at me differently. Although that's a bit difficult to do as I do stand out in a crowd.....skin colour. I've been shy and had some guilt over my past. I realize that there's not a whole lot of people at school who come from the same kind of background: alcoholism in the family, step-dads, physical abuse..hmmm a lot of beatings!!! I've had a couple of serious relationships that I couldn't hold together, kids in both. So I guess I was worried about how they would look at me each time I shared something of my life. Sorry people, forgive my low self-esteem. I'm working on rebuilding my life. You see people...behind this smiley face there's been a huge battle going on. I'm winning the battles, albeit slowly, but it's coming.