Time To Really Live??

I'm sitting here wondering what I should write about....in some ways there's been a lot that has gone on in my life since last blog, but at the same time not much. I had my kids from Manitoba visiting me since the last week in June. It was great having them here...but..I didn't get to spend as much time as I would've liked to with them. I find that I'm somewhat of a workaholic...always busy with work or some project outside of work. My ex was also here for about 3 weeks...it was a good visit...except, as she pointed out, that I was always busy doing something even on my days off. I took a week off work and had a very hard time relaxing...managed to get in about 2 days of doing nothing. My ex mentioned that during those 2 days she saw flashes of the Darren that she married...carefree, happy just to be playing with my kids, not on the phone all the time, not worried about having to make money somehow. My ex did quite a bit of changing my house around while she was here...my place hadn't been this clean in a long time. She organized every room in the place differently...I love the way it is now. Weird...I really liked having her here...my house felt full again...I even allowed myself to wonder if we could ever work things out again. She sent me a couple of emails that kind of threw me for a loop...in the first she mentioned how happy she was being here and how she enjoyed it when we would sit and talk...she also said she missed me and was glad our divorce didn't go through, she was happy she still had my last name. It's really strange because she's never said that before. In the second she said she was going home not only for her cousin's funeral, but also because she felt I wasn't spending enough time with my kids...so she took them home with her instead of letting them stay a couple more weeks. She said she will always be my friend, but that she sees that the Darren she knew and married is gone now. It made me sad to think that she is probably right...I'm not the same Darren she fell in love with. I did something last Wednesday after they left..for the first time in a very long time I cried over my actions that caused my marriage to break down. I'd apologized to my ex when she was here...I can never change what happened and the end result, though I really wish I could. I wonder where I would be now if my marriage was still intact. Having my ex here made realize a couple of things...how much I've missed her and really deep down I still love her. Then I got to thinking...is it her I miss or is it that I miss having someone to come home to everyday? We were married and had kids together..so there will always be some connection between us...is that what I felt when she was here? Maybe God felt it was time I dealt with this...sort out my feelings...maybe actually start feeling again instead of just moving through life..feel real emotion instead of just going through the motions..